Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Motivation (or something like it)

Yesterday was an unusually productive day for me. 

I've always had a tendency to coast, tempered by a work ethic strong enough to make a good impression.  Not ideal for anyone but it works.  Over the years it's instilled in me a sense that more is less, or that my optimal state is to be at rest, with nothing in particular to do, nowhere to be, and eventually, no capacity to easily find something to do or place to be.  In other words, I spent most of my life meeting my obligations and otherwise doing as little as possible.  I'd go straight home most days after class/work and veg until some other obligation came up (usually class/work again).  I told my therapist that I never felt like I had the energy to stay out in the world and do other stuff, or even expose myself to other stuff.  She asked me - rightly - how much more energy that actually takes. 

After yesterday, I feel her point.  Sitting on my couch watching TV takes very little effort, but standing around some place that isn't my home takes very little effort too.  Sometimes the drive is shorter and the food is better, too.  I somehow doubt I'm going to turn into a bar fly - change takes time, after all - but it's given me something to think about.

In addition to the post I wrote yesterday I got quite a bit of work done, of reasonably high quality.  I paid some bills, canceled one appointment, made another, answered some e-mails, did some banking, walked around a store for a while, opened a new credit card account, picked up some meds, and went grocery shopping.  Normally I consider it a productive day if I get even one of those things done.  Yet despite my intense dislike for night driving and traffic (both ubiquitous by that time of night), my decision to go home wasn't a matter of desperation or fatigue, but simply because I couldn't think of anything else to do (and I had some food in the car that needed refrigeration). 

I know a day of chores is hardly interesting but it did give me something to think about.

On that note, I need another cup of coffee.

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