Sunday, September 30, 2012

Still here

It's been a while, longer than I like to go without a post, and for that I apologize and have decided to throw something up here, for better or worse.  The short version is that I just haven't really had the energy lately.  I don't think it's any real sort of change and have no reason to suspect otherwise.  Maybe it's because it's a busy time of year at work and I need to put my energy into that.  Maybe I'm just tired of the grind.  Either way, my blog is not the only thing I've been neglecting.  My work, my own personal pursuits...  they've all fallen to the wayside in the face of the all-encompassing blah.  I hold on to hope that once I stop taking chemo, I'll have less trouble keeping up.  Sure, I started falling behind even before my surgery, but I had a growing brain tumor at the time.

It appears that right now, I do not.  I had an appointment with Dr. C. to start round 11 and it took him a few minutes to get over my blood results.  In his own words, they're essentially perfect.  Not for a cancer patient, but for anyone.  He had me stand up and walk around the exam room a bit, checking for coordination, and he told me that I'm doing remarkably well.  More than that, he said he sees no reason to suspect that'll change.  I still hold on to my suspicions - the minor headache that I feel right now makes sure of that - but it's still good to hear.  About as good as it gets without going into "miracle" territory.  Even so, I didn't bring up the idea of stopping chemo.  I feel like if I do, he might respond to it negatively, or say that he doesn't recall discussing that with me so long ago.  I am just one of many patients, after all.  He isn't my main oncologist anyway, so I'm not sure it's his call to make.  On the other hand, it's not either of my oncologists' calls.  It's my call.  It's always been my call.  What I'm really after is their blessing more than their permission.  We'll discuss it next time.  In the meantime, I've been shopping around for anniversary presents for Dr. C.  Maybe one for the lab tech, too.  And a box of donuts for everyone, so no one feels left out.

It's finally autumn, my favorite season, and I've been paying close attention to all the changes it brings.  Around here, it creates a lot of mist and fog, for quite a dramatic effect as I look out across the valley I can see from my home.  When the weather's just right, the fog settles in the bottom and I can still see the peaks of the hills beyond.  But it's the small changes that mean the most to me.  On my way to work I can see the ghosts of dewy spider webs spun between power lines, sometimes dozens between a single set of poles.  The spiders have no concept that those wires are more than oddly smooth branches.  They cannot possibly fathom that they have built their homes between two cords carrying enough current to burn them to a crisp a million times over.  It's like building a tree-house on the warhead of a nuclear missile.  There might be a more meaningful, significant metaphor to be made here, but I really don't feel like making it.  I don't want to attach any further significance to something I enjoy purely for its delicate beauty. 

I guess it's back to work tomorrow.  I'm going to try to get caught up.  I always do.  Somehow it just doesn't work out.  "Just make it through the day" is much better advice when you don't have a schedule to keep.  Maybe I'll feel better in the morning, and I'll manage to make some solid progress.  That happens from time to time, usually unrelated to anything I do beforehand.  I suppose drinking my bodyweight in coffee probably couldn't hurt.