Monday, January 2, 2012


Without fanfare or any particular note, 2012 arrived at the Blowguns household, and nothing - save the clocks - changed.

I've never been a big fan of New Years.  I like it better than the "holidays" as no one really argues about New Years.  We're all in agreement that it's a time for revelry and new beginnings, with no religious context, and if you don't really care you can sit at home and not care to your heart's content.  I was at my computer and noticed that it was 12:06AM.  That was my celebration.  No alcohol.  No company.  I didn't even watch the ball drop.

I did find myself thinking about resolutions.  They seem so trite, now.  Who cares if I lose 10 pounds?  I have brain cancer.  Who cares if I earn a raise at work?  Brain cancer.  All of the things I'd love to change are outside of my control.  I can't resolve to be cancer free.  I can't even resolve to have no progression over the next year.  I can't resolve for science to find a cure.  I can't resolve to be the object of divine intervention.  I don't need to think back on 2012 next year and notice how I still have cancer, and wonder why I didn't keep the resolution to... not. 

To be honest, I never really did the resolution thing.  I found the tradition to be interesting and refreshingly hopeful; a big chunk of the world, time zone by time zone, promising to improve.  Who cares of those promises were made in an alcoholic haze, or if they'd all be broken within a month, if not a week?  That kind of joint optimism is just kind of rare these days. Still, I participated only as an observer.  I felt that if I wanted to make a change in my life I didn't need to tie it to any particular date.  That said, I rarely made changes in my life.

So I think I'm going to make a resolution this year.  I resolve to make it to 2013.  There are no indications that I'm at risk of dying in 2012 and definitely some mitigating factors beyond my control at work, but I feel like no matter what happens, I can fight my way to 2013.  In 2013, I can worry about making it to 2014.

I continue to have good days and bad days.  I've noticed more and more holes in my memory.  Little flashes of familiarity floating, unattached.  I struggle to place them in my life and find their origin but I often fail.  When I succeed it's a small victory but I can't help remember a time when this was effortless to me.  I would hear something once and that piece of knowledge would stick with me for years, so I could call upon it as needed.  These days I'll sometimes remember something clearly and then have no idea why I believe that, or if it's even true.

That aside, my vocabulary seems to be recovering.  On my good days I'm quicker with my words and they flow more naturally.  It's less of a struggle to write, which is an indescribable relief.  I'm not as good at spelling anymore - that used to be damn near instinctive - but what my mind lacks, technology shall provide.

I'm doing all right emotionally.  No major breakthroughs nor setbacks.  No waves.  I haven't worried about it much as I have other things to deal with.  Lately I've been hanging around the Cancer Forums (linked to the right).  The support is nice, but what helps me the most is when I can help someone else.  If I can ease their worries, I can ease my own.  Maybe it's a bit like comforting my mother.  Maybe I look to others for some sense of how I should feel, so if they are calm, I am calm.

Maybe I feel numb because I spend so much time alone.

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